FaceBook has taken over the world...

I find myself exercising my narcissistic tendencies on Facebook, rather than on this blog, even though I think that blogging is more interesting. There are more people over there on Facebook who might see my incessant status updates and think me clever. I hate myself for being so self-indulgent, but cannot seem to stop.

Facebook is also the perfect distraction from the agony that is thesis-writing. It isn't just that writing forty pages of coherent academic musings is challenging in its own right, but for me there are deep emotions of self-worth caught up in it. I stare at the page completely without confidence of my ability to write a decent paragraph. What if I plagiarize someone and don't realize it? What if my advisor thinks I am a blundering idiot. What if I am found out?

I'm on my twelfth semester of college. I have this lingering suspicion that I am a fraud, that I'm just making this stuff up. Writing an academic paper feels unnatural for me, but I have done it so many times that I've lost count. I remind myself how many pages I must have written in my academic career that have been decent and interesting. I somehow cannot believe that I've written and A or a B paper. The professors must have been mistaken. All of them?

It's a self-confidence war. An all out war. My stomach is in knots approaching my notes. Drivel, it's all drivel! I feel queasy opening a book. What if I don't' understand it? Breathe, Sarah, breathe.

A former boss, the dean of students, told me that a higher degree is an act of perseverance more than anything. He encouraged me to persevere. "You've come this far, Sarah, you can do it!" Somehow, I have come this far. I'm not a phony. I might even have something remotely interesting to say. If I am anything, I am a persistent little cuss. I'll do it. I won't enjoy it, but I'll do it.

First, let me check my Facebook page...