An Aching Heart

Dear Srushti,

I have never met you, dear child, but I already love you. I am so crazy about you. I know that God has chosen you to be my child and for me to be your mommy. I also know that God has good things planned for his children. My heart aches until the day we can meet face-to-face. I remember talking to a man several years ago who said that his heart ached for Jesus. He said that it was strange to ache for someone that you know, but have never seen face-to-face. I know exactly what he means.

Every day I look at the last photograph we got of you. Your face is so beautiful and your eyes are so deep. Perhaps there is an ache in those eyes for me, too. Do you ever think about the woman who will be your mommy? Does your heart long to be snuggled each night before you go to bed? Maybe sometimes you can feel me praying for you.

I daydream about meeting you for the first time. Will we recognize one another? We'll both be scared. You'll be confused in a new place with new smells and new people covering your cute little face with kisses. I'll be scared, too, but I'll try not to let it show. How will I ever be up to such a task of being a mother? I imagine different meeting scenarios: In one, I get on the floor of the Newark International Airport and you embrace me. I offer you a small treat and get to steal a kiss. In other daydreams you see Erik and like him better than me. He is a charmer, you know. He'll probably smell like cookies. In another fantasy, you scream and don't want me to touch you. It's hard because for this whole year I've wanted nothing more than to hold you. I cry every time I think of that first day together.

I understand that this will be a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know that I'm your mommy forever and ever. I will be here for you if you need to grieve what you've left behind. I'm here to give you all the kisses you've been missing these two years. I will never forget to tell you how much I love you. I already love you, dear child.

We will meet face-to-face very soon and a new adventure will begin for all of us!

With enduring love,
Mommy